Your hosts Jack and Jackie Newton. Your hosts Jack and Jackie Newton.
Images: Jack Newton Group

Rule number 3: Watch plenty of Channel Nine TV in the lead-up so you can recognise many of the invited celebrities who populate the event. Those of us who have never seen an Underbelly or Packed To The Raftersare at an immediate disadvantage in the star-spotting stakes. But then again, this is okay. If ever an event appealed to the egalitarian instincts of Australians, it’s something like this, where sports stars and actors and musicians check egos at the front gate and mix freely and easily with pro golfers (male and female), juniors, sponsors and freeloading reptiles of the media (hello). For sportophiles, the celebrity line-up (not even counting the golfers) is quite amazing – the list this summer included Layne Beachley, Nathan Blacklock, Tim Brasher, Josh Constable, Dipper, Ben Dixon, Matt Dunning, Liz Ellis, Beau Emerton, Dawn Fraser, Kurt Gidley, Joel Griffiths, Michael Hagan, Matt Hall, Garry Jack, Andrew Johns, Terry Lamb, Geoff Lawson, Wally Lewis, Newk, Matt Parsons, James Tomkins, Natalie Ward ... etc.

Rule number 4: Bring your A game. Anyone (you?) who signs up to join the party and play will find themselves in a foursome with one professional, one media reptile and one celebrity. In fact there’s such competition among this nation’s celebrity A (and B) list to get a guernsey at the tournament that Jack and his team must these days be choosey, and no spots will be wasted on first-timers or no-hopers who don’t know one end of the club from the other. Unless you’ve paid your way fair and square.

Golfing Teletubbie Katy Jarochowicz. Golfing Teletubbie Katy Jarochowicz.
Images: Jack Newton Group

Rule number 5: Don’t take rule number four too seriously, because this is golf, after all – the most confounding, frustrating game ever conceived by our species, and we will all have our shocking rounds. The important thing is to have as much fun as possible, even if your game is killing you – at least so you don’t spoil the day for the others in your group with your kicking and cussing.

Rule number 6: Handicaps will be adjusted after the first (of two) rounds to mitigate against the possibility of “burglars” stealing the trophies and prizes. This seems quite a wise move after the logging of some scores after day one.

Rule number 7: A fast game is a good game. With slow play the bane of the modern golf enthusiast, we play under a format known as “par or better”. If you reach a point where you are unable to “score” (make a par according to your handicap), you are asked to pick up your ball and move on. Unfortunately, with the large fields, superbly stocked drinks carts plying their wares every hole or two, wine tasting on the ninth tee, plus not a little hijinks among some of the groups, it’s definitely not a fast round – but for once in your life this matters not a jot. Given the company and atmosphere of the event, and the fact you get to sit down in golf carts while you wait, these are the rounds of golf you never want to end.

Sound like you? Like a start at the 2010 Jack (on Dec 14-15, same venue)? To register interest and get details, contact tournament director Judy Brady on 1800 447 268 or by email: judybrady@optusnet.com.au

– Graem Sim