Jack's Rules

 Rules are made to be … bent a little at the annual Jack Newton Celebrity Classic at cypress lakes.

No big-day nerves for “Bride” Polly Travis
Images: Jack Newton Group

The rules of golf are observed quite strictly at the annual Jack Newton Celebrity Classic: this is a fairly fair dinkum tournament for the contingent of pros who are invited to play (the latest version went to a sudden-death playoff between eventual winner Ewan Porter, Aron Price and Ken Druce), and there are also many and generous prizes to reward the amateurs in their various categories – so scumbag cheats will not be tolerated. But Jack wouldn’t have it any other way, anyway: he is personally very passionate about the civilising and cultivating potential of this self-governing game to forge a next gen of well-rounded, sports-loving, damn-decent human beings, much in the image of the man himself. You wouldn’t want to earn this bloke’s ire.

Anyone familiar with the game will know, however, that there are two versions of the game’s rules. There’s the inviolable “Royal And Ancient” code of play that defines the game itself, and then at each course there are such things as “local rules”, determined by club committees to take into account peculiar course conditions and the like – free drops out of crocodile-infested billabongs, etc.The Jack Newton Celebrity Classic, however, played for the 31st time late last year at the fabulous Cypress Lakes resort in the Hunter Valley of NSW, offers a third category of rules that differentiate this tournament from any other.

Joey and The King
mages: Jack Newton Group

Rule number 1: For God’s sake don’t completely wipe yourself out at the welcoming dinner. Jack himself lays down this one when he takes the mike early on the first (Monday) evening and reminds all and sundry that “this is a Melbourne Cup, not a Golden Slipper”. We have two full days punctuated by three FULL nights ahead of us, and the way some fellas are hitting the giggle juice early, they’re going at it like there’s no tomorrow. There is. Two of them.

Rule number 2: All attempts by the fun police to breach the sanctity of this fabulous binge of golf, fine food and booze shall be thwarted, and to that end the invited journos should leave their dictaphones and notebooks in their villas after dark and cut everyone a bit of slack when the nights get (inevitably) loose. This seems reasonable: many of us are Jack’s guests, and

the event has found itself in the headlines for the wrong reasons a couple of times in the past when certain individuals have gone over the top, but for the rest of the time this tournament has, by all accounts, been a hoot of epic proportions. A measure of decorum is expected by your host, in honour of the fact that in its three decades this tournament has raised something like $3 million for charities such as Diabetes Awareness and the Jack Newton Junior Golf Foundation – not to mention that everyone who has ever been reckons its about the most fun you can have on two legs. The format goes a bit like this: arrive, party, golf, party, golf, party, leave. Sleep is optional.

Your hosts Jack and Jackie Newton.
Images: Jack Newton Group

Rule number 3: Watch plenty of Channel Nine TV in the lead-up so you can recognise many of the invited celebrities who populate the event. Those of us who have never seen an Underbelly or Packed To The Raftersare at an immediate disadvantage in the star-spotting stakes. But then again, this is okay. If ever an event appealed to the egalitarian instincts of Australians, it’s something like this, where sports stars and actors and musicians check egos at the front gate and mix freely and easily with pro golfers (male and female), juniors, sponsors and freeloading reptiles of the media (hello). For sportophiles, the celebrity line-up (not even counting the golfers) is quite amazing – the list this summer included Layne Beachley, Nathan Blacklock, Tim Brasher, Josh Constable, Dipper, Ben Dixon, Matt Dunning, Liz Ellis, Beau Emerton, Dawn Fraser, Kurt Gidley, Joel Griffiths, Michael Hagan, Matt Hall, Garry Jack, Andrew Johns, Terry Lamb, Geoff Lawson, Wally Lewis, Newk, Matt Parsons, James Tomkins, Natalie Ward ... etc.

Rule number 4: Bring your A game. Anyone (you?) who signs up to join the party and play will find themselves in a foursome with one professional, one media reptile and one celebrity. In fact there’s such competition among this nation’s celebrity A (and B) list to get a guernsey at the tournament that Jack and his team must these days be choosey, and no spots will be wasted on first-timers or no-hopers who don’t know one end of the club from the other. Unless you’ve paid your way fair and square.

Golfing Teletubbie Katy Jarochowicz.
Images: Jack Newton Group

Rule number 5: Don’t take rule number four too seriously, because this is golf, after all – the most confounding, frustrating game ever conceived by our species, and we will all have our shocking rounds. The important thing is to have as much fun as possible, even if your game is killing you – at least so you don’t spoil the day for the others in your group with your kicking and cussing.

Rule number 6: Handicaps will be adjusted after the first (of two) rounds to mitigate against the possibility of “burglars” stealing the trophies and prizes. This seems quite a wise move after the logging of some scores after day one.

Rule number 7: A fast game is a good game. With slow play the bane of the modern golf enthusiast, we play under a format known as “par or better”. If you reach a point where you are unable to “score” (make a par according to your handicap), you are asked to pick up your ball and move on. Unfortunately, with the large fields, superbly stocked drinks carts plying their wares every hole or two, wine tasting on the ninth tee, plus not a little hijinks among some of the groups, it’s definitely not a fast round – but for once in your life this matters not a jot. Given the company and atmosphere of the event, and the fact you get to sit down in golf carts while you wait, these are the rounds of golf you never want to end.

Sound like you? Like a start at the 2010 Jack (on Dec 14-15, same venue)? To register interest and get details, contact tournament director Judy Brady on 1800 447 268 or by email: judybrady@optusnet.com.au

– Graem Sim