It’s like having 12 majors per year. Twelve chances to tee it up and make something of yourself. Twelve chances to come home and shout down the empty hallway to a family who couldn’t really give a stuff, “I bloody did it! I won the Monthly Medal!”

Just the thought of it ignites a little competitive ember in my guts. It’s always there – ask my family. They reckon I’ve got issues, that I’ll make a contest out of anything. And I will. I’ll even make a trophy given half a chance, but that’s not about being competitive. It’s about making a trophy.

You can de-sticker a stubby and engrave it: that’s a great trophy to make for something like a ping-pong night. Or a hallway putting comp, and engraving’s only $30. It’s fun. A keepsake, recognition that someone was better than everyone else on that particular occasion.

Maybe I do have a problem.

But, imagine how exciting the opportunity of the Monthly Medal must be when you consider the joy an engraved stubby might bring. I barely sleep on the first Friday of the month. It’s nuts.*

God knows how I’m going to get through Club Championships!

It is that time, you know. The greens have been cored, the sand swept away and after a few weeks of pain they’re rolling as well as they ever will. Spring has sprung, the fairways are lush and the rough’s starting to get some value about it.

Bloody hell!

How good is golf!

If the Monthly Medal is like a series of majors spread out across a year, then the Club Champs must be the mother of all majors. It’s like The Masters and The Open and The Aussie all rolled into one. Club Champs are the Presidents Cup and the Ryder Cup with sugar on top. It’s the Holy Grail, The Oscars and The Logies stretched out over five torturous weekends.

Play well in round one and I’ll be overdosing on chamomile tea just to get the eyes closed from the next Wednesday onward.

Club champs are the best! In my head there’s theme music and everything. I’m going to buy a new shirt with the club logo on it – despite having an embarrassment of other perfectly good golf shirts.

It’s part of the preparation, you see. You have to go in with just the right mindset. You have to see your future to be your future … wax on, wax off. And yes, I bloody do wax my clubs. But only after I wash them with car washer, which is after I thoroughly clean them.

Even before that, though, it’s about choosing which clubs are going to make it into the bag. That’s after a long pre-selection process. It’s not a simple matter of having clubs and they’re automatically in the bag.

That’d be stupid.

Put it this way, 10 days out and I’ve just acquired an original 1994 Callaway Great Big Bertha 2-iron in excellent condition. Of course it had to be re-gripped and shafted (had the “Memphis 10” which is like a seniors flex) and to be honest, selection’s looking pretty good. As the blurb goes: “This extreme perimeter-weighting and extra-wide and deep cavity back design means that the Big Bertha Iron is forgiving and friendly.” Key words – forgiving and friendly.

So, who’s getting benched? Probably the Maltby, despite having “the look ‘discerning players’ prefer at address.” I know, it’s brutal. But the GBB and I have history and it was just dumb luck and some stalking that brought her back to me. And as we all know, dumb luck is a huge part of the greatest game of all.

And yes, there is a little added colour in the grooves. And yes, you guessed right, it’s to have my competitors going, ‘Oh wow! I wish I had one of those!’ They won’t concentrate on their own game while they’re dribbling over my gear; smart eh?

Don’t even start me on planning for the actual playing of the course.

Good luck to you for the Clubbys. Just remember, it’s all meant to be a bit of fun.

*Congrats to my older bro Cameron, prevailing at Long Reef GC to be the first ever Daddo to pick up the Monthly Medal.

**His stroke score was not the best Daddo score on the day.

***He was, however in B Grade. Another Daddo playing the same day (1 over after 12 and then a series of unfortunate mishaps) was playing in A Grade, without a GBB 2 iron.

****Not that it matters that Cam was in B Grade.

*****It’s not actually about the grade you’re in, but how you play within your grade that counts.

******Gross score is still king.