For reasons known only to the high priests of nomenclature, the collective noun for a group of mongoose is a 'band'. And that's what was stampeding over Tiger Woods' grave as he posted 79-77 to miss the cut at the Open Championship at Royal Troon.
For there it was, another major, another missed cut, another mighty pile-on by punters and pundits lining up to agree, “it’s over”.
His body’s bashed up, he can't be good at golf again, legacy this, legacy that, isn’t it sad, woe is him, woe is golf, woe betide us all.
Because that’s what it’s about right? Our memories of the great man, red shirt and ripped, twirling that club, pumping that fist, all action, physicality and Big Cat cool.
And now, as we see him wandering around, just another chopper, a “pale imitation” of the player that he was, according to The Guardian, we lament that he’s tarnishing his legacy by chopping it about in legacy events.
But it's not about you or me or anyone. It’s not about our feels. Boo-hoo. You know who’s not sad? Tiger Woods.
Tiger is playing major golf because, as he told Colin Montgomerie, he can.
Tiger’s playing major golf because he likes playing major golf. And why wouldn’t he? You think Monty wouldn’t have teed it up at Troon if he had been asked? Who wouldn’t want to play an Open Championship? You get the invite, you tee it up. Or do you worry what other people think?
John Daly didn’t. He smashed it around, great dopey Santa beard and beer belly, shot 82 and withdrew.
Ernie Els didn’t care, either. He shot 82, too. Withdrew, too. Are your memories of Ernie tarnished? Is his legacy intact, according to your feels?
Tiger, meanwhile, shot 79 and kept on playing. Then he shot 77. Ended up +14 and out the back door. And we were sad to see him go because watching him play even poor golf remains box office, as they say.
But, again, it’s not about us. It’s about Tiger Woods’ belief in Tiger Woods. And I reckon he's playing long game. That he's got another major in him. Not just to play, but to win.
Hear us out.
Not this year, of course. Maybe not next year either. But after that? As the kids would say, mos' def’.
And why not? He’s only 48. Golf is a game in which ‘old guys’ can compete and win. It's been done before.
Phil Mickelson won the PGA Championship aged 50. He was T2 in the Masters aged 52.
Tom Watson needed a par on 18 at Turnberry to win the 2009 Open Championship. He was 59 years old. Nine months earlier he’d had a freaking hip replacement.
Ben Hogan was busted so badly in a car accident that there were reports he was dead. Then he won a 'Miracle at Meriton', then all-but won the grand slam in 1953 at the age of 41, which was old then.
Hogan's record at the Masters from there was 2nd, 2nd, T8, Cut, T14, T30, T6, T32, 38th, T9, T21 and a T10 at the age of 55. His parallel record in the U.S Open is similar.
Crazy old Bernhard Langer made cuts at the Masters in his 50s and 60s. He ran T28 at Augusta at the age of 62.
Greg Norman was 53 when he led the 2008 Open Championship through 65 holes at Royal Birkdale.
And you know who knows all that? Tiger Woods, baby.
Esteemed colleague John Huggan is one of those who’s gone out on a fairly sturdy branch to declare it’s over for Tiger. Pains him to say, there’s no joy in it, etcetera. And that was in April after Tiger had made the cut at the Masters.
In a column in last month's magazine, Huggy shot another harpoon into the Big Cat. He did acknowledge the deeds of Mickelson, Hogan, Watson et al. yet declared that they were “physically fit well past the age Woods has so far attained.”
It’s here where we diverge. Huggy’s belief - and it's the belief of most everyone, including my uncle, a doctor - is that Tiger Woods cannot ever regain sufficient physical fitness to play competitive top-level golf. That he'll limp like an Anzac forever. And maybe that's right.
And yet ... Tiger wasn’t limping when he exited stage left off the 18th at Troon. And if he was full of pain-killers, so what?
Tiger didn’t play great at Troon. He chopped it about, putted like shit. Lot of guys did. conditions were pretty tricky.
Tiger’s excuse – unlike that of fellow cut missers Min Woo Lee (+9), Tommy Fleetwood (+7), Ludvig Aberg (+7), Bryson DeChambeau (+7), Brooks Koepka (+9) Tony Finau (+10), Viktor Hovland (+10), Tom Kim (+11), Cameron Smith (+12), Sahith Theegala (+14) and Rory McIlroy (+11) - is that he’s not practicing or playing enough to hone that game. His body won’t let him.
And that’s why Huggy and my uncle and so many from that ravenous band of mongoose remain so sure it’s over. That he's done and done. Forever.
But Tiger is not far away. His game isn’t too far off. Don't laugh. Yes, he missed the cut here by eight shots. He came in without practice. Yet he made the cut at Augusta, too, without practice. If he can do that without practice, what can he do when fit? How many shots gained is Fit Tiger Woods?
I still think – and I reckon Tiger still thinks – and one assumes that he’s received the best advice from leading figures in the field of physiotherapy and orthopaedic surgery – that his body can, there’s a scientific medical word for it … heal.
He can heal. He can build strength. He can add flexibility. He can fashion a swing around his fused ankle and spine. Do you think his swing looks bad? And if needs to take Nurofen every day, he'll take Nurofen every day. And he can work and hone that game.
Sure, he won’t ever be what he was at his zenith. Nobody has been ever. It doesn't happen. It is not a Thing. But, at the age of 48, it's my contention, and it appears to be Tiger's contention, that he's still got enough sap in him, enough game, enough madness fuelled by hyper-competitive juice, to compete in major golf tournaments. And to win.
Like the Six Million Dollar Man, Steve Austin, they can rebuild him. Tiger is a billionaire who lives on a golf compound with access to the world’s foremost experts in medical science, strength-and-conditioning, rehabilitation and physiotherapy.
He has lunatic competitive spirit and a highly-attuned sense of self and his place in history.
And this: what else is he going to do? I mean, apart from model hoodies, knock around with the kids, and bring the warring parties of professional golf together as a member of the PGA Tour’s player advisory group, what else does he have to do?
Tiger will turn 50 on December 30, 2025. And, here's hoping, will play competitive golf for the next five, seven, even ten years, and need a par on 18 to win a major like old Tom (Watson).
We know this: he will keep teeing it up in the majors. As he said to Monty, because he can.
And because what else but a player is Tiger Woods?
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